Saturday, January 14, 2012


It's been ages since I've written anything here.  I guess it's because I've been waiting for that stupid other shoe to drop.   It hasn't.  And it is really annoying me.

JSB left the supported environment in which he was living, and has opted to live in a cheap motel.  Cheap, but clean (relatively) and, from what I can tell, safe.  This went down in June.  Since then, I have been waiting.  With dread.  I really did try to be optimistic and positive.  I swear.

Not only did he not want to live with support, he opted to give up pharmaceutical support as well.  So, Furball and I can tell the voices are back.  JSB has gotten better at hiding them from us.  Because he knows what we will try to do.

So, I've been waiting and dreading and I don't like the way this feels.  Optimism is so much sweeter.  Dread has settled in my chest like a hot, heavy, hunk of lead.  It makes me realize that my reservoir of hopefulness has nearly gone dry.  It's feeling a little parched and barren and thorny.  

Looking for hope in the land of dread is not fun.  But, I know it has to be there somewhere.  Is it out there or is it within?  

So, I am wishing for joy, but I feel more like this.
I can't decide if I should hang out in lamentation land for a while or try to move on to joy.  The story is supposed to end with joy.  Sometimes, I wish we could get on with it and just fast forward and jump ahead to the resurrection. 

I think I need to watch closely the Blessed Mother and take a few cues from her.   Sweet and Blessed Mary, this heart-pierced-by-a-sword thing stinks.  Please come down and give me lessons, some pointers, some hope, some joy.
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